San Bernardino County Superior Court Judge Brian Saunders, MFT?

{ April 26, 2010 @ 8:30 pm } · { Saunders Said What?, WTF? }

FYI- “MFT” stands for “Marital and Family Therapy” at the Master’s level

Last Monday, April, 19 2010, there was a hearing in my custody case regarding my 5 year old son.  The hear was in Dept. s10 of the San Bernardino County Superior Court.  The case was presided over by the honorable, and possibly dually licensed, Judge Brian Saunders.

Here’s the background:  My ex (Dad) and I (Mom) share a child (Boy, age 5) from a previous relationship.  We were not married.  During my pregnancy Dad, who did every manipulative, hurtful thing he could think of to escape the responsibility of this child,  killed an innocent woman while driving home from a bar one night.  He was drunk and high on marijuana, as was his habit.  Neither he nor his family felt any obligation to tell me of the accident.  I read about it in the newspaper 3 days after it happened, on the day Dad was released from the hospital and taken into custody.  (Incidentally, this was not the first time Dad had been in a serious accident as a result of his drinking.  While we were dating, Dad totaled his car one night after leaving a bar and about 3 years before that, had rolled his car with him and two friends in it.  In that accident he broke his neck and almost died.  Once way before that, he had struck a man riding a bicycle and, although I suspect he may have been drinking, I do not know that for sure. )

Over the ensuing 4 years (which was how long Dad was incarcerated for taking this woman’s life) I developed an addiction to the prescription pain killers that were being prescribed to me.  It is important to note that I always worked and took care of my child.  When I realized that I had developed an addiction to the pain killers, I went straight to my doctor with that concern.  He checked me into a facility to detox from the pain killers.  I was in there for 3 days.  Upon my release I immediately began attending counseling and 12 step programs.  I recognized the severity of what was happening and the impact it would have on my son if I didn’t get help, so I did.  I have been clean and sober since May 2007.

Dad was released from prison in December 2007.  At the beginning of his incarceration, I had hoped that we would be able to work things out and make a family for our son when Dad returned home.  After receiving treatment, however, I began to see things differently.  For one, Dad and I never had a healthy relationship.  (Living like that could have been equally harmful to my son.) Also, during his incarceration, Dad was still using and drinking.  He justified it, as did the few people I spoke to about it, by pointing out that he was in prison and needed something to be able to make it through.

It had always bothered me Dad was still using and drinking and we had discussed it at length.  After getting some help for myself I realized that Dad was also sick.  There are many people like him, myself included, and he needed help.  It couldn’t be me that gave it to him, though.  I also realized that being with him would be a “slippery slope” and would, most likely, result in my using again.  The thought of what my son’s life would be like if that were to happen was unbearable.  I ended the romantic relationship with Dad and began to move on with my life.  I still took my son to visit him in prison as often as we could afford to do it, which was about once every 5-6 weeks.

After ending the romantic relationship with Dad, I began spending more time with my long-time best friend, Mr. E. E and I began to grow closer and, before we realized it, were becoming romantically involved.   E lived in Northern California, in the Bay Area and he would come to visit whenever he could.  At the time Dad was paroled, Boy was 4 years old.  A little while after Dad was released from prison, he began taking my son for weekends occasionally.  That afforded me the opportunity to go north and spend even more time with E.  We had started to discuss our moving up north with him.  Naturally, I was a little scared but I began to look for work in the area.  I was working in construction at the time and the economy was just starting to get really bad.  There were very few positions available at the time and they were all being filled by people with more experience and chest hair than I had.  In March I was laid off from my job.

Dad’s weekend visits with my son were becoming a regular every-other-weekend thing.  He still was not paying any sort of child support, but he was willing to cover Boy’s daycare expenses until I could get back on my feet.  I began spending  every-other-weekend in the Bay are with E, looking for work.  In May both E and I were surprised by the news that we were going to be having a baby.  At that point I still hadn’t found work, either in San Bernardino or in the Bay area.  E had a job that seemed pretty secure at the time.  We discussed it and it seemed the right thing to do for us to move to the Bay Area.

I told Dad of our plans to move.  I promised to make sure that Boy would come to visit for at least as much time as he had been spending with Dad.  Then, out of no where, I was hauled into court.  Dad, who had never paid any child support or offered any other kind of help with our son, had hired an expensive attorney, with the reputation to match the cost.  I, being out of work and supporting our child on our own, could not afford an attorney at all.  I was woefully unprepared for what happened next.

We went before Judge Saunders on this matter.  Dad’s attorney painted me as a negligent, unfit, junky parent who could not be trusted to be alone with her child.  He went on to tell the judge that my plan to move was sudden, not thought out, irresponsible and selfish.  I remember trying to respond to all of this but feeling completely “off-balance” because I had no idea it was going to be like that.  I was hurt and surprised that Dad could tell that man to talk about me like that, especially after everything he put me through.  I was stupid. Mediation was about the same.  Dad talked trash about me like you would not believe.  All the while painting himself as some sort of choir  boy.  I was an emotional wreck.  Hurt by Dad’s actions, scared that he was going to win full custody of my son just because he (and his wealthy parents) could afford an attorney, and pregnant to boot.  The mediation report was lengthy and basically made no recommendation.

E hired an attorney to represent us and we went back and forth.  That attorney, John Welch, was a total loser.  Dad, E and I had met at for dinner one night a couple of weeks prior to the trial date.  Based on the conversation with Dad, I approached our attorney and told him that I wanted to offer Dad one week a month with Boy.  Welch told me that, if we did that, next year when Boy started school I would be all but handing Boy to Dad.  On the day of the trial however, when opposing counsel approached and offered a 50/50 split (2 weeks here, 2 weeks there), he recommended that I take it and even told me how proud he was of me for doing the unselfish thing.  Then he sent us a bill for almost $4,000 more than the $3,000 retainer.  I hated agreeing to it, because I knew it would be hard on my little one but I really had no other option at the time.  The Judge Saunders had all but said that he wasn’t going to let us move.  Dad told me he did me a favor by letting me move.

The arrangement was incredibly hard on Boy (and me) in the beginning.  Towards the end it was getting better.  Boy, now 5, was better acquainted with Dad and seemed to enjoy the time he got to spend with Dad and with his older Sister (Dad’s from a previous relationship).  Dad’s parents had basically refused to allow Boy and BigSis to spend any significant amount of time together while Dad was incarcerated so I was glad to see them bonding. (No, I’m not just bitter, this is what happened.)

Dad was released from parole in January 2009.  When Boy returned from his visit in February 2009, he reported to me that Dad had beer in his refrigerator.  I asked Dad about it during a phone call.  He told me that he was not drinking and that the beer belonged to his girlfriend, L. (whom he had began dating while I was pregnant – before he went to prison.) In March, I had the worst dream that Dad and L were in a drunk driving accident. Dad laughed and said it was funny because he and L had been out to a few bars the night before, including the one he was at the night he took that woman’s life.  Of course, he said, only she had been drinking.  I lectured Dad again about the “slippery slope” and implored him to get some help.  Again, he denied having a problem.   Boy went for his March visit (the last two weeks of the month) and came home with a hydroseal hernia.  Dad maintains that Boy had the hernia when he arrived.  Boy told me that he had fallen down the concrete stairs at Dad’s apartment during his visit.  Either way, Boy needed surgery.  E, now my husband, is the one providing health care insurance for us.  When Boy returned home from his visit, he went to the doctor and was scheduled for surgery.  The surgery went well and recovery took about 6 weeks.  Dad’s parents said that they felt that was excessive, because they wanted to take him to a play, but I deferred to the judgment of the doctor.

Dad and I had agreed that Boy would attend school here with me, and would go to visit Dad and BigSis on all school breaks.  Dad, still not paying any child support, would be responsible for travel expenses.  School was scheduled to start early August and, because Boy had spent two months here, I allowed him to spend the entire month of July with Dad.  They had trips to the river planned, and Big Sis’s birthday so it seemed like the right thing to do.  Everything was going great.

Boy returned from his visit in August and told me that Dad had been drinking again.  Boy had witnessed it on at least three occasions and, on one of those occasions, Dad had driven him home afterward.  I confronted Dad, who repeatedly denied it and wanted to confront Boy about what he was saying.  I told him no and, after weeks of denial, Dad finally admitted that he had been drinking.  We hired an attorney.

In November 2008, just before Thanksgiving break, we appeared once again before Judge Saunders.  (‘We’, meaning our attorney, Dad, and his attorney).  The judge was outraged by the fact that Dad had been drinking and ordered supervised visitation, to be supervised by Dad’s parents, and that Dad wear a SCRAM bracelet to ensure that he does not drink.  Dad had to wear the bracelet until the next court appearance.  Feeling comfortable with the arrangement, I send Boy down for the week.  He came come unharmed.

At some point after that, Dad and I went to mediation.  The mediation report basically said that it would be pointless to order treatment for Dad, since he hadn’t yet been inconvenienced enough by his drinking.  It also pointed out that Dad felt that the problem was that he had signed an agreement not to drink while having custody of Boy, not that Dad was drinking.  In other words, Dad regretted signing the agreement, not the drinking and driving.  The report also said that Sole Legal and Physical custody should be awarded to me,  and that Dad should have supervised visitation.  It said that if Dad got some treatment and was successful for 6 months, he should refile for unsupervised visitation.  We went to court in December and Judge Saunders ordered that Dad had to keep the SCRAM on if he wanted visitation with Boy.

On April 2, 2010, Dad and I went to mediation again.  This mediation report basically said the same.  It recommended that Dad get treatment and attend 12 Step Programs.  After showing some success, Dad should repetition for unsupervised visitation. Boy spent the Spring Break with Dad.  I also agreed to let Boy attend Dad’s graduation from college on May 28, 2010.

On April 19, 2010, we were before Judge Saunders once again.  Our attorney was unable to attend this hearing so he sent another attorney in his stead.  The other attorney was asking for a continuance so that my attorney would be available for the hearing.  Opposing counsel was in accord with this request.  To everyone’s surprise (even opposing counsel), Saunders ordered completely unsupervised visitation for Dad.  Saunders said that he felt the mediation report was way off base and that his credentials were better than the mediator’s. This leave me to ask the following questions:

1. WTF?!?!

2. Are Judges also trained in marital and family counseling?

3. Has Saunders given any thought to what the consequences are if, in his infinite wisdom, he happens to be wrong about this?

4. WTF?!?!

I am  completely floored by this decision, as is my husband and our EXTREMELY EXPERIENCED legal team.  (I used the big letters because this time we got the good attorney. )    My son will be going down to visit Dad, completely unsupervised, on the weekend of Dad’s college graduation.  What am I worried about?  No one drinks when they graduate college, er, wait…they do, too!  I’m scared to death for my little one’s safety.  The only thing that makes it bearable is knowing that God is on our side.  I still can’t sleep though.

There. It’s out there.  On the internet for all to see.  If you have any advice, or even an equally screwed up experience with Saunders, please feel free to comment.  I plan to chronicle all following court hearing on this matter so, if you’re interested, stay tuned.